How coming out as trans masc. has made me a more mindful dater

“I need to take care of my heart and my mental state by making sure, whoever I meet, gets me, and is on board with who I am”

By Fay Barrett, Image by Tirachard Kumtanom via Pexels

I used to be a grade A, jump straight in, head first Romeo when it came to dating.

I’d meet a woman, fall desperately in love, and then get my heartbroken.

I have too much of myself too soon.

Recently that’s changed. For a start I’ve stopped dating. I had what I can only describe as a mini breakdown, and a lot of the was to do with needing to be honest about my gender identity.

It made me pause. I spent a lot of time laying under a weighted blanket becasue it made me feel safe. It was a dark tunnel and I’m not completly out of it but I can at least see the light.

It’s been a blessing.

One because I confronted who I am and shared my truth with the people closest to me.

Two because it’s slowed me down.

Whereas I’d show up to events, hoping to find my wife (much like a lost Labrador’s puppy looks for a new owner), I’ve taken my foot off the gas. Coming out as trans masc. has made me approach dating in a more mindful way.

I need to go slow because I need to feel safe, that I’m with someone I can trust and who will love me for me.

I need to take care of my heart and my mental state by making sure, whoever I meet, gets me, and is on board with who I am. More than that. I need to know they love my soul and everything I represent.

Which, to be fair, is what I needed even before I came out. We all do. I needed a mindful approach all along. It’s taken a whole new level of vulnerability for me to realise this. I am incredibly vulnerable right now and I need to keep my heart and emotions extra safe.

It’s taken coming out to finally slow me down, to fully process who’s sitting across from me on a potential date, whether we’re compatible and share the same values. It’s only in owning my own authenticity that I’ve been able to do this.

Whereas before, I had a tendency to go for the emotionally unavailable, I am now aware that I very much need someone emotionally available. I can’t trust my heart and mental state to anything less right now/ to someone who’s not fully with me.

I’m not in a place where I can be messed around with someone. I don’t have the headspace to deal with the drama. I either need to be single or in something easy and lovely.

And that’s the thing, for the first time, in a long time, I’m not in a hurry to get into something. I don’t need to be with someone right now, I need to be with the right someone.

So I’ll take my foot off the dating gas. Chat with women, get to know them slowly, try not to end game or pressurise it to be something.

Yes, I still dream of meeting my wife. I spoon my pillow at night, pretending it’s her. I believe she’s out there, and I’ll meet her when the time is right. There’s no need to rush something I know in my heart isn’t right, just becasue I’m holding out the hope this person might be her.