Social transition: my first steps

Am I trans or non-binary or something else in between? Something that hasn’t been invented yet?

BY FAY BARRETT, IMAGE BY DARIA LIUDNAYA VIA PEXELS

Note to reader: This is a journal entry from 2.5 years ago. It reflects where my thinking was then. I’m at a different point in my ‘journey of self’ now. Consequently, the labels used in this piece were reflective of where my thoughts were then, as opposed to now. This piece is intended as an insight into the gender identity process that I have personally experienced. My intentions behind sharing it are to provide an honest insight that may resonate, comfort and/or help other people.

July 2020:

So, this morning I decided to start training like the trans guy I think I am.  It’s tricky to write that.  Just typing those words makes me feel hot and tingly, like pins and needles running up my neck and head.

I don’t think I’m allowed to say those words. I’m afraid.  Afraid of hurting my family, that I’m somehow betraying them.  That they won’t understand, and that 5 letter word brings with it a mountain of pain. For them.

I’m also not totally sure where I sit within the gender spectrum.  Like, am I trans or non-binary or something else in between?Something that hasn’t been invented yet?

I know it feels right to do this.  To change my body in a way that fits with how I feel inside, how I’ve always felt inside.  I don’t know that I want to do surgery or testosterone.  But I do know dressing and presenting in a more masculine way makes me feel good. It makes me feel like me.  It always has, right from the days when I wouldn’t take my BMX or Street Hawk outfits off.

Recently I’ve found a ‘look’ that makes me feel like me.  My hair is short, I style it back off my face, swept to the side.  I’m going for a young Leonardo Dicaprio aesthetic but maybe I’m too old at nearly 41 to pull that off (insert laughing and shrugging shoulders emojis here).

But I know I look good.  ‘Fit’ is the word my best friend used.  And that makes me feel so fucking good.  Like I could be a cute, charming, good-looking boyfriend.  Which is what I’ve always wanted to be.

I woke up to a message from my bestie, she sent me a pic of myself I posted on Insta (the Leo-esq look described above).  She said: “Yes, yes, yes! This hair and look! Your hair like this is great.  You look proper fit”.

And that is everything.

So now I’m off to the gym, armed with ‘A Transmasculine Person’s Guide to Building a Strong Upper Body’*, to make myself ‘fit’ a little bit more and give myself the body and workout I’ve always wanted.

*I’m going to echo Barbend’s editor’s note: “The content on BarBend is meant to be informative in nature, but it shouldn’t take the place of advice and/or supervision from a medical professional. The opinions and articles on this site are not intended for use as diagnosis, prevention, and/or treatment of health problems. Speak with your physician if you have any concerns.“

I will also add that everyone’s bodies are different and I am by no means a fitness expert, particularly in terms of trans/non-binary fitness. I’ve dipped my toes in the water and found things that work for me. It is always best to seek fitness/medical advice from a professional. However, I do appreciate this isn’t always easy where trans and non-binary fitness is concerned. In fact, I wrote another piece about that which can be viewed here.