“I wanna be your boyfriend” by a trans masc. non-binary lesbian

I want to be the boyfriend that holds your hand on the ice skating rink, that wins you an oversized cuddly toy at the fair, that lends you my hoodie to sleep in

BY FAY BARRETT, IMAGE BY GUSTAVO FRING VIA PEXELS

I want to be your boyfriend.

Boifriend?

What term do you use when you’re an AFAB, non-binary, trans masc. lesbian who prefers the title ‘boyfriend’ over ‘girlfriend’?

Is there one?

Yes, yes there are, many in fact. I spent ten minutes down a Google rabbit hole (check out Genderqueeries and Subvrtmag) and came up with:

• Partner
• Spouse (these are too formal, like something I’d write on my tax return)
• Lover (works in the right context, at all other times I feel like I’m in a Jilly Cooper novel)
• Datefriend
• Datemate (no, and no to both)
• Sweetheart (mmmmm it’s cute, but no cigar)
• Paramour (feel like I’ve just stepped out of an episode of Gentleman Jack)
• Cuddle Buddy (feels a bit ‘nicknamey’, although I am an excellent cuddle buddy)
• Bothfriend (I get it but it doesn’t feel like me)
• Genderfriend
• Birifriend
• Person friend
• Enbyfriend
• Feyfriend (this could work as it is essentially my name. Fay/Faye/Fae/Fey means ‘fairylike’/’of the ‘fae folk’, which fits, on multiple levels)
• Loveperson (makes me want to sing, “Mr. Lover lover ooooh!”)
• Steady (hand me a leather jacket and brillcreem, I’m joining the T-birds)
• Boo (I’m sorry, I just can’t)
• Bae (as above, times 100)
• Beau (I kinda like this but it puts me back in ‘Gentleman Jack’ territory)
• Shipmate (what?)
• Epox (haven’t the foggiest)
• Zefriend
• Goyfriend
• Or, my personal favourite (curtesy of Quora), ‘My live-in government-subsidised tax inspector’

None of these work for me

No, the one that sings, the one I’ve always coveted is ‘boyfriend’. It just fits. I like the feel of it and everything that’s associated with it. I want to be the boyfriend that holds your hand on the ice skating rink. That wins you an oversized cuddly toy at the fair. That lends you my hoodie to sleep in.

Yes, girlfriends can do that too.

And yes, I’ve watched too many rom-coms.

Personally I blame 80s neighbours. While most girls my age dreamt of being Charlene, I wanted to be Scott (he dated Kylie Minogue, what’s not to like?!) .

I’ve never felt like a ‘girlfriend’. It’s never sat right with me. My inner mascness recoils from it. It makes me feel invisible, misgendered, emasculated.

Secretly, I crave being bought a “worlds best boyfriend” mug.

If we understand that gender is a societal construct, and many of us don’t adhere to the rigid gender binary, what’s so taboo for me to be a ‘boyfriend’? If I’m trans masc., then surely it’s an operable term.

I know the women I’ve dated will attest the moniker fits. An ex once joked,”I don’t know if I’m even a lesbian anymore”. She was alluding to my genderqueerness, that I was definitely more traditionally masc., in our relationship, than female, that it felt more like she had a boyfriend.

Make sure you’re on the same page

The dynamic worked for us. It’s important that both parties are happy with whatever dynamic you build, whether you use non-traditional names or not. Both parties need to feel seen, valued, and able to fully be their authentic selves. The beautiful thing about queer relationships is they stand outside the binary. You can get creative, deconstruct the ‘norm’, and find something that fits your particular relationship. If you want to use different terminology, or even just embrace different ways of being to the cis lesbian/bi/queer/heterosexual status quo, communicate and make sure you’re both on the same page. Or, see if you can find a happy medium.

My feelings about using traditionally male terminology extends to marriage. I do want to find my wife. But I don’t want to be a wife. Like girlfriend, it conjures up images of femininity that just don’t fit me. If I claimed those titles I’d feel totally misgendered.

I had wedding fantasies growing up. But not like the ones my girl friends had.

I never saw myself in a big white dress, walking down the aisle to my Prince Charming.

I’m the Prince Charming of my wedding dreams. I see myself standing at the alter, in a super suave suit, bursting with happiness as my bride walks toward me. ‘Groom’ and ‘husband’ would be my preferred terms. Legally however, that would never be possible. Which, as a genderqueer person, makes me feel like I will never be possible.

Changing our relationship with language

I need to find someone who loves my authenticity. Who’s cool with being with someone who stands outside gender norms, someone who’s going to make me feel seen and valued for the person I truly am. And, despite everything I’ve said about wanting to be a ‘boyfriend’, maybe it goes beyond that. Maybe names aren’t necessary, just so long as she gets, loves, embraces, and supports me enough as the person I truly am.

Don’t get me wrong, if I meet someone who’s happy to give me that name (and/or a “world’s best boyfriend mug”), even in private, my queer little soul will sing with a gender euphoria it never dreamt was possible. But, as long as there’s an implicit understanding of the person I am, maybe that’s enough. Maybe labels aren’t necessary.

And maybe, just maybe, as a society we need to expand our vocabulary and not be so quick to tether words to such binary meanings. Maybe that way, we could all be happier.